Vacation
by Kiana Unei
Summary: This is a story my cousin wrote a LONG time ago, about how Han takes his kids, Lando, and Kyp on a holiday, and the kids're abducted by imbaciles. WARNING: do NOT take ANYTHING seriously.


Title: Vacation   

by Sra Isiie

Catagory: Humor

Summery: Han takes the kids, Lando, and Kyp to "Lek Vargas", a city teeming with lights, colors, sounds, and trouble. Ghent and the Solo children are kidnapped by pirates. Poor kidnappers.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Lucasfilm, LTD. No money is being made and no infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This story is in no way supposed to be taken seriously. Please keep that in mind. Thank you. 

            The kitchen of the Solo house was filled with the aroma of roasting svax, doused in a honey colored sauce that added a bit of spice to the juicy, pale meat. Han Solo had wanted everything to be right when his wife came home from her three day stay on the moon of Yvonm, where she had been negotiating peace between the two clans that ruled there. Han had made his kids clean their rooms and bought the three of them new outfits; Jacen a miniature tuxedo, which the boy complained itched, but knew enough not to argue, for Jaina, a little white and yellow sun dress, which she hated, and which Anakin loved, but he got an expensive diaper from some Hapen store, in which the one-year-old promptly messed, so was now in the trash.

            Han had put on his uniform, much as he didn't like it, and kept his hands clamped firmly under him so he wouldn't attempt to scratch at the itch that had spread form his collar down to his right armpit over the past half-hour.

            He had replaced the lights in the chandelier with crystal, and positioned an Alderainian Love- flower at the center of the table. Everything was going perfect, he thought, when Leia got home she'd be surprised and pleased. He could imagine her face, as she saw what took him hours to prepare, and say in astonishment, "Han-"

            "The kitchen's on fire!" Han's vision was jerked away like a rug under his feet. "What?!" he hollered, as he ran to the kitchen's door. A voice within yelled, "Don't worry, Lando- I've got it!" Then Han heard Calrissian yelp and the sound of compressed air. Han kicked the door open in time to get a face full of cold, soggy, fire extinguisher foam. He sputtered, "Turn that stupid thing off!"

            When he could see again, Han almost wished he couldn't. Part of the back wall and especially the fire place were burned away, as if somebody had tossed a thermal detonator onto his gas log. There was fire-proof-foam everywhere; Lando looked like Mrs. Puff's Marshmallow Man. 

            Standing in the middle of the disaster was Kyp Durron, Han's friend and one of Luke Skywalker's most promising students. He had just turned nineteen, but had gotten into an incredible amount of trouble the past few years. Kyp had a large smudge of soot across the bridge of his nose, and was holding the fire extinguisher in one hand and his lightsaber in the other. The violet blade was extended, and seemed saturated with some kind of greenish. . .

            "What the Sith?!?" Han exclaimed, as he realized that the gas from the fire place had some how fused to the kid's saber, and had caught on fire. "Ahhh!" The young Jedi yelped, as he too spotted his flaming saber.

            The three kids, attracted by the yelling and scent of ozone, tumbled into what was left of the kitchen and doused Kyp with the hose they had dragged inside for their game of "Tie Up Anakin And See How Long It Takes Him To Get Out".

            For a long time the house was quiet, broken only by the continuous plops of water as it dripped from Kyp and most of the kitchen, and the hiss and snap as the still fiery lightsaber boiled instantly any droplets that fell near it. Finally, Han broke the silence. "So, uh, what d'you say to a Vashnia take-home special?"  

/////

            Chief of State Leia Organa Solo returned late, and the welcoming sight of her house was beautiful. When she opened the door, however, a powerful smog of burning incense hit her like a punch to the gut. Leia dared enter her home only after she had securely fastened part of her ceremonial scarf of purple silk over her nose, mouth, and now watery eyes. 

            Thankfully, her husband stood just inside the door; perhaps he could explain all this. "Han, what on Coruscant happened here?" Solo, decked in his General's uniform, and burdened with medal upon medal, looked as though he couldn't make up his mind about whether to redden or turn pale. Behind him, Lando Calrissian also appeared to have temporary amnesia. "Well? Can't any of you generals explain why my house smells like a perfume shop on fire?"

            A small noise came from behind Han. Leia directed her eyes from the two men to Kyp Durron, who stepped into view wearing her husband's old shirt and a pair of pants that might have once belonged to Chewbacca. "What happened to you?" Leia demanded. Kyp turned red and said to his feet, "Uh, I. . . they. . . my Jedi outfit. . ." 

            Han took over at that point, "The kid, uh, sort of 'singed' his cloths, so I lent him some of mine." Leia looked back at her husband, "And just how did this happen? Well?"

            Lando suddenly cut in, "Hey, how 'bout we discuss this over dinner? I'm starvin'." He massaged his stomach and tried to look as thin and famished as possible. Both Han and Leia looked at him, Han with relief, Leia with annoyance. "Wait until you see what's to eat," Lando bragged, "it was all his doing!" No one could figure out whether he was trying to get Leia to congratulate her husband, or get himself out of trouble. Suspiciously, the Chief of State followed the three out of the front hall and into the dining area, wondering what other surprises were in store for her.

            The dinning room smelled even worse then the hall, here the perfume mixed with actual smoke. Leia thought she smelled ozone, too. She hoped Han and Lando hadn't had another mock-blaster fight; she still hadn't gotten around to fixing the board under her and Han's bed that had recently been reduced to smoking dust. 

            Diner turned out to be a rare Vashna cuisine, obviously not made in the Solo's household. Han could cook, yes, but he was too lazy, Kyp could fix himself electrowave holovid diners, and little else; the extent of Lando's knowledge of the kitchen was where Han kept the gin, vermouth, and glasses. The twins ruined even simple things, like toast, and little Anakin liked to make messes with anything that got all over- like flour.

            Before the four settled themselves, Kyp got stuck with the job of finding the kids and making them go in to diner, once he was gone Leia turned back to the two generals.

            "Will somebody please tell me what happened? And what's with the incense?"             Lando put on his most charming smile, then said, "A very good question, Your Highness, and such a good question deserves a good answer. Yes indeed, 'what's with the-" Han coughed into his fist, a noise that sounded somewhat like the words, "Shut up."

            Solo put on his innocent/ charming face, "Well, to tell you honestly, uh, . .I don't know. LANDO was in the kitchen with Kyp, not me." Leia folded her arms, "Lando?"

            "Well, Han knows him better than ME."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do NOT!"

"Do TOO!"

            "Both of you, be quiet!" Leia grabbed Han by the ear and dragged him into their bedroom. When they were alone, she planted her hands on her hips and said, "Okay, Han, now tell me exactly what happened."

            Han fidgeted, looking very uncomfortable. Finally, he said, "Ah, I was in the dining room, thinking, and, well, . . .according to Lando, uh. . ."

            From outside the door, Calrissian called, "Hey, don't blame ME! You're the one who told him to light a fire, how was I supposed to know the kid would try to do so by sticking his lightsaber into the gas fire place?!"

            "He did WHAT?!" Leia looked half amused, half angry. Han decided to apply to her amused side. He opened his eyes real wide and said, "Yeah, blew away most of the kitchen, then he squirted the extinguisher all over the place, Lando looked like a snow man, or something. . ."

            Leia no longer looked amused, in fact, she looked really angry, "So this was all Kyp's fault? Like the time Lando broke his head through your antique Corrilian glass plate, because you bashed him in the skull with it?"

            Han sat down on the bed, then immediately fell through so only his head, arms, and legs were visible. "Hey!" He complained, "I thought somebody fixed that board!" 

/////

            Jaina smiled at her brother. From her perch in the tallest tree in their backyard, she could see Jacen give the signal to begin their newest game. And Jacen was in the bushes on the other side of the pretend forest. 

            She looked down at the ground, which must have been about a thousand miles below, and at her other brother, Anakin, who was tied to a fence post between her and Jacen. Anakin had the funniest part in their game- he got to be the Squid. "What da Squid?" He had asked. Now Jaina and Jacen would get to teach him about squids, and, well, squids had ink. That was where she and Jacen came in.

            Jaina picked up a big water balloon, only this balloon didn't have water in it; it had the expensive ink that you bought in stores for drawing.

            "Ready?" She asked Jacen. Anakin, thinking she was talking to him, said, "Yeah, teach me 'bout da squids!" Jacen rolled his eyes, then answered by floating his supply of ink balloons with the Force. "Now!!!" Jaina yelled. 

            She threw the balloon in her hand, and it landed with a splat on top of Anakin's head. Startled, Anakin looked up at Jaina, who was now floating her supply of balloons, like Jacen. When Anakin saw what was to become of him, he started to wail. Boy, Jaina thought, he sure sounded silly. Then she and Jacen made all their balloons fly at their little brother through the power of the Force, which made Anakin start screaming his head off.

            Then the ink balloons stopped in midair, only two feet away from Anakin. "Ha-ha," he teased, trying to hide the fact that he needed a new diaper, "didn't scare me!" Jacen and Jaina looked at each other, each wondering the same thing. Jaina pushed with her fragile ability in the Force, and felt another mind pushing back, accepting her decision to make Anakin all gooey, but unwilling to let her do so.

            Jaina sighed, knowing she couldn't beat a Jedi at mind power, only wait until she got a hold of his boots and fill them with gooey, gooey pudding-

            "Don't touch my boots; I'll let Dorsk tell you all about his home life." Kyp said, walking over to their brother. Jaina heard Anakin snicker; Dorsk was an alien clone who's family did exactly the same thing every single day- Jaina was afraid she'd die of boredom before Dorsk got to his first birthday.

            Reluctantly, Jaina climbed down out of the tree. At the bottom Jacen was waiting for her, and she thought she felt a mischievous plan forming in his mind. "What?" Jaina asked. Jacen whispered, "Let's drop-" He didn't have to say any more. Linked by mind, and by a need to stop the unfairness that grown ups and sort-of-grown-ups could boss them around, the twins dropped their entire reserve of ink balloons on top of Kyp, who was still trying to untie Anakin.  

            He made an even funnier noise than their brother, then slipped on the stained grass and fell on his face. Anakin hollered, "More squid, more squid, more, more, more! I like ink!!!" Jaina and Jacen giggled as their cousin seemed to right himself, until his feet shot out from under him and he slid down the muddy hill by their backyard in a spray of black, blue, and red ink. "By, Squid!" Anakin called after him.

/////

            Han Solo looked from the diner clock to Leia and Lando. "I wonder what's keeping them?" He asked to no one in particular, "I hope-" 

            At that moment the side door burst open, and the twins dashed inside, followed moments later by a very colorful Kyp Durron. A puddle of dark liquid was already forming at his feet, soaking into the carpeted floor. Panting, he raised his eyes to Han and said, "What. . . idiot. . . bought them. . . drawing ink?" Lando opened his mouth to remind the young Jedi that he was his own idiot in this fix, but a look from Leia made him shut it again. 

            "That was fun," Jacen said, placing his father between himself and Kyp. Jaina joined her brother under the protective arm of Solo, then told him, "I'm glad we've got a cousin to play with now. Anakin's boring, all he does is scream and wet his pants."

            'What cousin?' Han wondered as Anakin screamed, "Do not!" He glanced at his wife, wondering if Luke had gone off and gotten married, then had a kid in the past seven days since they'd last seen him. Leia looked equally surprised, so he ruled out that idea.

            "You don't have a cousin," the Chief of State said, "you know Uncle Luke isn't even married." The twins looked at each other in confusion, then Jaina hesitantly raised a tiny hand and pointed at Kyp, who stepped backward in surprise.

            "He ain't your cousin," Lando said, but he seemed uncertain about it. "Right, Han?" Solo nodded, and Jaina protested, "But- but he lives in Uncle Luke's house-"

            "Academy," Leia corrected, "that's a kind of a school, but for Jedis." Jaina and Jacen looked at each other again, this time with slight embarrassment.

            "I've got an idea," Han said suddenly, "what if we take a vacation somewhere, you know, to get away from our 'stressful environment'? How about it, Leia? Just you and    me. . ."

            "And me," added Lando. 

"And Lando. . ."

"And us!"

"And the kids. . ."

"Don't forget me. Last time you left me alone here I-"

            "Yeah, yeah, and I still haven't paid off all those traffic tickets you got me yet, either." Han said, eying Kyp. Leia sighed, "Han, I don't know. . . I've still got some legal work to sort out. You can go, though." She added silently, 'And give me a break from the natural disasters that keep going off in our house.'

Chapter Two

            The Falcon cruised idly through hyperspace, deep in the galactic core. In space, the silence was absolute. No sound penetrated the dark matter that existed between the glowing stars, never had, and most likely never would. 

            Inside the Falcon, however, the four older, and slightly more mature occupants were treated to the twins screaming the song, "Ninty-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall".

            Han sat grimacing in the Captain's chair, his head hunched down into his collar in a futile attempt to cover at least part of his now tender ears. Beside him, the two hundred year old wookiee Chewbacca was howling along with the kids, and Han considered adding in a new rule to that 'Life's Little Book of Rules' or whatever it was called that Leia was reading, one that stated: 'The only thing worse than a wet Wookiee is a singing one.' 

            Lando sat in back of Chewie, with such a weird look on his face Han wondered if he had gone brain dead. He didn't blame him if he had. Next to Calrissian, Kyp slouched in his chair like a marionette after someone had cut off the strings. 

            "Cheater," Lando said, though the kid couldn't hear him anyway through the backseat racket.  

            "What?" Han called. 

            "Nothing, your buddy slipped into one of his Jedi trances or something." Han turned around in his chair to face them, started to say something, then hollered, "Shut up, Chewie!"

            Chewbacca roared, and bared his teeth. Instinctively, Han raised his hands, "No, Chewie. . . I wasn't tryin' to insult you, but I need to talk to Lando-" The Wookiee got such a dangerous look on his face that Han decided Lando really wasn't that important. "Never mind, uh, please continue, you've got a great singing voice, Chewie."

/////

            The planet Garrian loomed ahead in space like a gigantic sphere of gold dust. The effect was caused by the many trillions of lights that continuously winked in and out of existence, leaving the planet no area of untouched wilderness. Even on Garrian's oceans floated incredibly sized cities of color.

            "There it is," the slicer Ghent said, his voice filled with a hidden awe. He piloted his tiny craft towards the night side of the planet, to a spot in the upper atmosphere parallel to the North Pole, then began his decent.

            The New Republic had been impressed with Ghent's ability during the war with the former Grand Admiral Thrawn, so impressed, in fact, that they'd promoted him to. . . some really high rank that he didn't remember right now. They had declared him a genius, which was very flattering, but even more so because it was true.

            Now, however, he didn't want to be a genius. Or even a semi-intelligent person. Because the Republic wanted him to spend his vacation time on the 'World That Never Sleeps' sifting through the computers there for a rumored virus that "might do a bit of damage" as General Bel Iblis had put it. A BIT of damage!

            He'd rather eat a Hutt than spend his free time doing routine check-up work that any run-of-the-mill nine-year-old could do. It was a waste of his time and talent.

            Ghent left the ship with the parking droid on landing pad nine and headed toward the center of town. The only good thing about this mission was the fact that the computers he was supposed to check were in the Capitol Building, and that he'd most likely be congratulated by the President of Garrian for coming over to do a check-up on some obsolete systems. He didn't notice the yellow eyes that followed him from the space port along the cement walkways.

/////       

            "Uh, no. . ." Han was saying, trying to be patient with the hotel droid that was keeping them from renting the room they needed. The waiting list for the Red Dewback Hotel was long, but with a few side comments of, "My wife is the Chief of State", "Y'know that kid with the dark hair? He's a Jedi Knight", and "I'm General Han Solo on an important mission for the New Republic", the group of seven vacationers were able to climb the list with relative ease. The only problem with being the top priority, Han was beginning to realize, was that the help was becoming annoying. 

            "Well," the droid began, "do you need any room service cards?"

"No." Han Solo had learned from experience that the more you treat yourself like royalty, the more people paid attention to you. What he wanted was a break from all that. To be treated normally for a-

            "Yes." Han turned, and gave Kyp a look that had worked often on convincing his kids to change their minds, "No." 

            But the youth didn't back down, "Yes." 

            Han glared, "No way. You're a Kyp and I'm a-" He faltered, then tried again, "You are a kid and I'm an adult, and what I say goes." 

            The Jedi must have gotten tired of arguing a useless cause, Han decided, because he sighed and closed his mouth, relaxing. "We will have the cards," Kyp said, and suddenly that seemed like a pretty good idea to Han. In fact, he was a little embarrassed that he had not come up with it himself. Quickly, he said, "We will have the cards," and hoped the droid hadn't noticed that it was Kyp who said it first.

            "Very well, Sir," it said, and handed him a deck of thirty or so paper slips, "have a good stay at the Red Dewback. If there is any thing I can get you. . ." But Han had already shoved past it towards the turbolift.

            The Corrilian smiled, thinking that this was a great start to a week of freedom. He had hundreds of casinos to choose from, there weren't any Republic officers wanting to talk to him about endorsing toothpaste, Leia wasn't there to make him change his clothes at least once a week, and he had his prized cards so he could order room- 

            "Wait a minute!" Han shouted, staring at the papers in his hand, "I didn't WANT room service!" Lando started laughing as Solo continued, "Why the Sith did I get these cards?"

            "I believe it's called 'Jedi mind tricks'," Calrissian said, jerking his thumb in Kyp's direction. "Why you-!" Han's outrage was cut off by the turbolift doors sliding shut.

/////

            The interior of the the presidential building was even more impressive inside than out. One reason for this, Ghent mused, was that the inside didn't have those annoying little red lights that flashed in Imperial code: 'The computer specialist will arrive at .3300 hours, be ready  ~The Stinger'.

            Large, exotic plants decorated the floor, and the glass ceiling seemed to touch the sky. Suddenly, a man dressed mostly in leather stepped out in front of him, swinging a blaster. "Excuse me," Ghent said, "but do you know where the President is? I-"

            The scarred man smiled a toothy grin, and raised his gun. "Eww," the New Republic official said, stepping back a bit, "you really need to see a dentist about that tarter." 

            Ghent was hit in the stomach by the blaster energy- set to stun. He looked down, surprised, and said, "What are you trying to do? Haven't you ever seen a stun proof vest? No, I suppose not. I only just invented this one."

            An electro net collapsed on top of the NR specialist, driving him to paralysis. The scarred man looked up as his partner leaped from his perch in a tree. "Good," the man grunted, "Stinger's plan is going. . . exactly as planned."

            "But I don't wanna stay in the hotel room and watch the kids!" Kyp protested as Han, Lando, and Chewie prepared to leave for a night on the town. Han gave him an annoyed look, "You shoulda thought of that before you conned me into buying those cards. Besides, you're to young to go in casinos." 

            "I could make myself look older, with the Force," Kyp said hopefully. Han shook his head, flatly refusing. "The answer's no, kid. And don't try to 'Force' me into saying yes." With that, the three adults left the hotel room. Lando turned back briefly to say, "Watch out for Anakin. He can be a real handful." 

            Kyp locked the door behind them, more than slightly frustrated. Knowing Han, they'd be out all night, and probably leave again the next day, and the day after, making him stay behind to act as babysitter. The thought was depressing. 

            Kyp sighed and slumped against the door, wondering what he was going to do now. Give the kids a bath? No, he'd done that once before, and ended up even more soaked than the three of them put together. Maybe there was something on the holovision, a movie they could watch, or-

            The young Jedi came to his senses to find Jacen with his head out the window; the other two nowhere in sight. 

            "What are you doing?" He asked, figuring that if he had to watch them, he might as well do a good job. The boy raised his head, a tiny string of spit hanging from his lip, and grinned up at the teenager, "Improving my aim."

            Confused, Kyp repeated, "Improving your-" then rushed to the window to peer over the kid's shoulder. On the sidewalk below, a bald man was shaking his fist at them, cursing in over three different languages. A wet spot gleamed on the top of his head. Kyp muttered a hurried apology, then pulled Jacen inside and closed the window. 

            "No more spitting on people," he said, shaking his finger at the boy, who tried to bite it. "Where's your sister and brother?" Kyp looked around, then spotted Anakin in the connected room, jumping on the feathered beds. 

            Quickly, he pulled the youngest Solo off, straightened the covers and pillow, then launched into the lecture he had heard both Han and Leia use for such occasions: "Don't do that- it's dangerous. If you fell off, you'd bust out your teeth. I don't want to have to drive you to the hospital-"

            "You're not allowed to drive," Anakin pointed out, "not after you smashed Dad's new cloud car into the side of the Coruscant Imperial Bank that one time." Somehow, Kyp had the impression that coming from him, the lecture wasn't going over as well as it should. But why did everybody keep reminding him about THAT day? Every time he tried to come off as mature enough to do something, someone would remind him about taking the cloud car for a spin, without a license, driving it through ten red signs, then accidentally wrecking it- and part of the bank. Han had had to spend his vacation money bailing him out of prison. 

            Kyp had pointed out that he COULD drive very well; he had piloted the Sun Crusher though the Maw, after all; Han had said that bringing up THAT ship wasn't really helping his case. That was going to change. Kyp was determined to show everyone how responsible he was, by making the kids do what he told them- starting with Anakin.

            When he turned his attention back to his current situation, however, he noticed that Anakin was no longer in front of him. 

            In the living area of the hotel room, Anakin was sitting on the floor with the phone hooked around his ear and into his mouth. He was frustrated at the stupid thing: it wasn't calling anybody. "Hello?!" Anakin demanded, "I want talk to someone!" When the head set did not produce a voice for him to talk to, the little kid pounded his fist against the machine part of the phone. 

            Unknown to him, by accidentally striking the numbered buttons, he had called someone. Anakin heard a faint ringing sound, and said to the head set, "Well, it's about time!"

            "Yeah, Bob's Plumber, this is Bob, what can I do for you?" Said the voice on the other end. Anakin was overjoyed- he liked plumbers. In fact, he wanted to be one when he grew up.

            "Hello," Anakin said, "I'm glad to talk to you. I've got a very serious problem."

"How old are you, kid?"

"Twenty."

"Try again."

"Ten?"

"Doubt it."

"Fine, three?"

"Do your parents know you're on the phone?"

"No, they're not home. Just me and my brother and sister. Oh, yeah, and Kyp. But he doesn't count 'cause he's stupid."

            Just then a shadow fell over Anakin. He looked up, already knowing who it was, and grinned hopefully. To the plumber, he added, "But in a good way." 

            "Give me that," Kyp said, taking the phone away from him and returning it to the box-shaped machine, causing Anakin to swear. The Jedi stared at him, then jumped as the door to the hotel room slammed shut.

            "Who-" He started to ask, but then he saw the twins through the window, racing around in the hall outside. Kyp said something Anakin couldn't hear, then headed for the door, saying, "Is it illegal to tie three kids to a bed post?"

            Though their Jedi babysitter may not have been having much fun, Jaina and Jacen sure were. Outside in the silent, cooled, darkened hall, with rows and rows of doors, the twins couldn't think of any time they had ever had as much fun. They had invented a new game: ring someone's doorbell and then run away quick before you were caught. 

            Giggling, Jaina pushed a shiny yellow doorbell, and rushed back down the hall and around the corner. The room number was 313, she knew because she had pushed it lots of times before, during the game. Jaina liked to keep pushing the old guy's bell, it was funny to see him come out in his red boxers with pink hearts, look around, then go back inside. Jacen, however, preferred to push different ones each time, of why, she had no idea.

                 Suddenly, the door to her room opened, and a very annoyed looking Kyp Durron came out. Jaina pouted, knowing that their fun was all over. But she just had to push the doorbell one more time, though, and maybe when Kyp saw how funny the old guy looked, he'd let them play some more. 

            Just before their babysitter reached them, Jaina and Jacen darted around him, and back to their room. As they did so, Jaina hit 313's doorbell. 

            "You've reached Pizza Guy, Nikeii Forleiilo speaking." Anakin smiled. There was only one thing he liked better than plumbers, and that was the Pizza Guy commercial. He liked it so much that he made his dad record it and play it over and over for him; when it ended, Anakin would scream until Han rewound the tape and hit the play button. This usually occurred in the middle of the night. For several hours. 

            "Hello, Mr. Nicky Forklift," Anakin said, "I want a large, big, humungus pizza delivered to room 301 in the Red Dewback hotel."

            "What kind?" The little boy paused for a minute, then, "An apple and tomato and worm one! With lots and lots of whipped cream!"

"We don't have that kind of pizza, Kid."

"Mooka brains and artichoke?"

"No."

"Applesauce and purple goobers?"

"No."

            "You never have anything good!" Anakin used the Force to make the phone fly out the window. From the room next door, he heard Jacen's voice, speaking into a phone:

            "Yes, that's right. Twelve gallons of ice cream delivered to room 301. . . Chocolate. . . .yes. . . .Do you want Dad's card number or Kyp's? . . . . .Dad's credit card number is 9906. . . . oh, you don't take credit? . . . .I've got cash, too. . .you're welcome."

            'At least they went back to the room,' Kyp thought, as he headed down the hall. The only problem was, what then? He had seen the kids avoid going to bed even when Master Skywalker had told them to, so he doubted they'd listen to him. 

            He had almost reached their room when a firm hand grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. Startled, Kyp stared up at a man in his late fifties. . . in pink and red boxers? He tried not to laugh as the stranger glared at him.

            "So, you're the kid who's taken up an interest in doorbells," the man snapped. "Um. . .no," Kyp said, not having the slightest idea what he meant, but knowing it probably involved the twins. "I think you've got the wrong-" 

            "I know it was you! You think it's funny to be so obnoxious, do you?" Now the man looked really angry. Kyp wished he had his lightsaber, then maybe he could show this guy he was Jedi, and not a troublemaker.  

              "Kyp!" Jaina was peeking around the side of their door, "Dad says stop playing with the doorbells and get back in here!"

            Startled, Kyp tried to explain that it was Jaina who had been doing it, not him, and that the kids' father wasn't even home, but the man didn't give him a chance. "'Kyp' is it?" He demanded, not really expecting an answer, "Why is it always the teenagers named 'Kyp' that go around the galaxy, making trouble for other people?"

            "He's gonna be really mad," Jacen warned his sister as he put down the phone. Jaina shrugged, "I know, but if he had told that man it was US, then WE'D be in trouble. Besides, you told me that dropping that line about 'Dad wanting him to come back in' was real smart. And," she added, breaking into a smile, "I've taken precautions to make sure he can't get us."

            Kyp had finally managed to break free from the man's lecturing, and had reached the door to their room. He wondered what kind of punishment would be appropriate for this particular situation, then wondered if he could convince the kids to accept it. 'They don't have any choice,' he thought angrily, then stopped as he realized the door to the hotel room was locked.               

            "Hey!" He shouted, pounding on the wood, "Open up!" From inside, Jaina shouted back, "No way! You're mad at us!"

            "I'll be even madder if you don't let me in," Kyp warned. Then Anakin started up, reciting the Jedi code: "'Peace over anger. . . Honor over hate. . .'"

            "I know that!" But he was starting to get really angry. Why couldn't they just listen to him? Then he realized that Anakin Solo had reminded him of a way to open the door: the Force.

            Jaina and her brothers were enjoying the four three-gallon buckets of ice cream they had ordered and paid for with money from Kyp's wallet while he was being lectured when the door unlocked itself and flew open. Startled, she looked up to Kyp standing in the doorway with an odd look on his face.  

            He seemed about ready to start yelling, so Jacen launched into a tactic he had used sometimes with his parents and teachers at school: the 'Think Of A Way To Get Yourself Out Of The Grown-Up's Hair' tactic, in which they presented the offensive adult with a situation that would remove the necessity of adult care, such as 'Anakin spilled soda on me- I need to go take a bath'. Kyp wasn't an adult yet, but he did have hair- Anakin liked to put it in weird styles like Mommy's- so it could work. He hoped.

            "Can we go swimming?" Jacen asked, "We know the way, so you could take a nap or whatever without worrying about us." The Jedi stared at them, then at the ice cream. "What's all this?" He asked.

            Jaina sifted through the twin's many tactics, and decided on a form of flattery, "Room service. Thanks for getting Dad to buy the cards, we never get room service." Anakin almost ruined it by saying, "But we didn't use the cards, we used Ky-" before Jaina and Jacen both jumped on him.

            Kyp sighed, then said, "Fine, obviously you're not going to go to bed anytime soon." The three brightened as their estimation of the Jedi's intelligence fell even lower, until he added, "But I'm coming with you. I think you've caused me enough trouble for one vacation."

/////

            In a darkened room hidden away from the outside world of Garrian, the mysterious assassin known only as 'the Stinger' waited motionless in a shadowed corner; only the light glimmering reflectively on his unnatural yellow eyes betrayed his position. He was young for his line of work, though only he knew his exact age. He had never been seen by anyone still alive, and only two things were known for a fact about him: he was young, and he had never failed. 

            The door to the hidden room opened, and the two thugs entered, supporting between them the NRI officer's limp form, which they dropped on the metallic floor and stared stupidly into a corner of the room.

            Annoyed at their lack of intelligence, the assassin emerged silently from the opposite corner and walked around to the front of them, staying in the dark until the last possible minute, giving them the impression that he was formed from the shadows themselves. 

            Seeing him, the scarred man said, "Duh. . ." and pointed an oversized hand at the officer laying on the floor with a busted lip. "Get up," the Stinger ordered. The man apparently didn't hear him. The other thug spoke up, "He's still unconscious." Their boss glared first at him, then at the prisoner, "Get up. Now." 

            Sighing, the officer climbed to his feet. "How did you know?" He asked. 

            "You're not a very good actor," the assassin replied. The prisoner looked disappointed, "Shoot. And I was hoping to get into the next 'Star Wars' movie, too."

            Stinger said coolly, "I think you know why you're here, Ghent." The man nodded, "Yes, actually, I know exactly why I'm here." He pointed at the thugs, "They knocked me unconscious and brought me here. Wait- do I have to put my answer in the form of a question?"

            "Where's the Pythariaon Code?" The Stinger pressed, "In your ship?" Ghent opened his mouth to reply, but when the assassin told him what would happen to him if he said 'I don't know what you're talking about', he closed it again. 

            "I know you know what it means. . . In the right hands the Code could control the minds of people all across the galaxy! Complete, and total domination." The assassin dug through a locked drawer previously hidden in the shadows as Ghent replied, "Don't you mean 'In the WRONG hands'? In the right hands the Code could allow us safe access into black holes; we could boldly go where no one has ever gone before. Very exciting. But, I have a feeing you don't care."

              Stinger put a vibroblade to the officer's throat, "I'm giving you one last chance. Believe me, you are expendable- you came straight from your office to here; there are only so many places you could have hidden it."

            Ghent swallowed and pushed the weapon away from him, "Okay, . . .It's in my pocket." The assassin stared at him, "What do you mean? The Code is too big to fit in your pocket; you'd need seven super-computers just to store it!"

            The officer shrugged, and Stinger turned to the thugs, "Put him below, then search his ship. Wait- who'd be stupid enough to bring the Code here anyway? Search his office at the Imperial Palace instead."

/////

            Kyp had been gone for over a minute. 'Why does it take him so long to change?' Jaina wondered, 'We can do it much faster than him.' She looked at her brothers, then said, "Come on, who needs him?" She quickly put on her bathing suit, and Jacen pulled off his shirt and shoes- he could wear his pants instead of a suit. Anakin wasn't as fast as his brother and sister, so when they zoomed out the door, he had to run after them stark necked, waving his swim trunks behind in his chubby fist. 

            Kyp had finally managed to untangle himself from his suitcase, which had closed shut on his fingers, when the Force told him that the three kids had left- AGAIN. 

            Groaning, he ran out into the hall barefoot, just in time to see the turbolift doors close. He waited with growing anxiety for the thing to come back up to level three, and hoped that the kids didn't drown before he got there.

            What seemed like ten minutes later, the lift returned. . . and went on to level eight. Annoyed, Kyp gave up on ever getting down that way; he dashed to the other end of the hall and took the fire stairs instead.

            The stairway seemed rundown, and he kept stubbing his toes on loose metal coils. It was also longer than it had appeared to be, and some hind of haze drifted up from the bottom. 

            On level one, Kyp surprised several people when he burst through the stainless steel door followed by a thick trail of dust. When he finally reached the pool, he noticed that no one was there. He examined the bottom for drowning kids, but found none. 'Where had they gone?' He wondered, becoming nervous.

            Jaina felt pretty smart; she and Jacen had fooled Kyp into thinking they were going to the pool, where in reality, they had gone straight to the candy machines in the lobby. Why they would want candy when they had ice cream up in their room starting to melt was something that no adult would ever know, but all little kids knew that sometimes you want one thing this minute, another thing that minute. Unfortunately for them, however, they didn't have any money.

            "Can you reach anything yet, Anakin?" Jaina asked her little brother, who had climbed, with the twins' help, up inside the candy dispenser. "No," he replied. 

            "Well, hurry up!!" Jacen shouted, "Someone might see us!" 

            Jaina rolled her eyes, "Someone will, unless you be quiet, Jace." Her twin looked embarrassed, then covered it by saying, "Come on, Anakin, reach faster."

            "I'm trying!" He cried, frustrated, "All the good stuff is too high!" 

            Jaina placed her hands on her hips in an imitation of their mother, "Then use the Force, Bubble Head!"

            "Oh, yeah," Anakin said, as a few candy bars came dropping down, "I forgot."

            When they had collected a good-sized pile of candy, Anakin crawled out of the little black opening, and he and the twins greedily gathered up their shares. Because Anakin had gotten to the candy pile last, he had only ended up getting a few bars. The kid started to howl, until they had attracted the attention of two men.     

            "Hello, what have we here?" The first, a scarred, overweight man, said to his partner, who replied, "A group of little brats; and all without their parents." Jaina and Jacen stared at them. These guys didn't look too smart; but they were big. For once she wished Kyp was here, instead of wanting him to go away.

            Jacen, too, seemed to share her thought, and told the men, "You leave us alone, or our babysitter, Kyp Durron, will get mad at you." 

            The first man laughed, "So what if your babysitter g-  Did you say Kyp DURRON?" The twins nodded solemnly. The two men looked at each other, then back at the kids.

            In his mind, Kyp could suddenly hear Jaina yelling for help. He reached for her with the Force, and found her in a strange ship taking off from the Red Dewback Hotel's docking bay.

            Ignoring the question of WHY anyone would want to kidnap the little monsters, the Jedi sprinted to the side of the hotel and leaped into the air, using the Force to propel himself upwards. 

            He landed on the roof of the Red Dewback with cat-like agility, and looked up into the night sky. Seconds later, an old-style ship proclaiming itself the 'Velascor's Razor', blew past the top of the hotel, knocking Kyp off his feet. 

            The Jedi landed hard enough to knock the wind out of him, but he ignored the slight discomfort and grabbed the ship with the Force, intent on keeping it on the planet until help arrived. Sooner or later SOMEONE had to notice a ship when it was just hanging in the air above the hotel.

            "Why aren't we moving?" The scarred man turned to his partner in confusion. "Why do you keep asking me?" He snapped, just as baffled as the other. They weren't really in on the kidnapping business, but if they could get the NRI officer to tell them where the Code was in return for letting the kids go free. . .

            "Who the Sith is that?" The two men looked out of the veiwscreen at the top of the hotel, where some kid was standing, left arm outstretched towards their ship.

            Anakin, who had managed to climb out of the bird cage they had locked him in, now climbed up onto the dashboard. "Hello," he said to the kidnappers. When they didn't answer, he tugged on the pilot's shirt insistently, "Hello!!" 

            The man looked at him, then back at the hotel roof. Anakin looked, too. Then he brightened, "Hi, Kyp! Kyp see Anakin? Anakin in ship! Fly, ship, fly. . ." He jumped down from the dashboard and zoomed around the cockpit, arms outstretched to mimic an X-Wing.

            "'Kyp'?" They repeated, then stared at each other again.

            Kyp thought he felt a change from inside the ship, but he ignored it. He wasn't trying to read the occupant's minds, after all, just keep them from leaving.

            Suddenly, red laser fire lanced from the 'Razor' towards him, and Kyp had to flip sideways into the air to keep from getting shot. 'Why do I always manage to leave my lightsaber behind whenever I need it most?' He wondered, dodging more blasts that chipped away at the rooftop wherever they hit.

            The ship, now freed from his concentration, sped off into the sky, leaving him alone and in big trouble when Han came back.

Ch 3

            An annoying buzzing sound started up, shattering the silence inside the Garrian Capital Casino. Han Solo, who had just sat down to play Sabbac, swore and headed towards the exit. 

            "What?" He hissed into the comm clipped to his belt. "Han. . ." Kyp sounded thin and slightly panicked. "What?" Han repeated, "I thought I told you not to call me on this channel, Kid; it's for work." 

            "They're gone," the Jedi said.

"Who?"

"Them."

"Them who?"

"The kids."

            Han must have had one too many drinks, because this news didn't help him much, "Which kids? What kids? Kid, I'm busy." Then it hit him. "My kids?"

            Kyp's voice came out in a rush, "They ran off, and I couldn't find them, they took them in a ship, I tried to. . . Shot at me. . . now they're gone!"

            Han's face darkened, "Wait for me at the hotel. Stay right there."

/////       

            "What are we gonna do?" The two men were still sitting in the cockpit, and Anakin was still zooming around their legs. "I think we're in trouble. One can only guess WHY a Jedi Knight would be on Garrian; it's the last place that NRI officer was seen."   

            "Oh, come on!" The other said, his voice a mix between fear and false bravery, "He ain't no Sithin' Jedi! Probably just some kid. . . I mean, think about it, why would anybody want an infamous mass murder to babysit their kids?" 

            "Yeah. . ." the scarred man didn't look to reassured. "But that still doesn't explain why our ship stalled out back there. It WAS almost like the Force. . ."         

            "Will you come off it?!" His partner shouted, then pried Anakin off his leg and told him to sit still, "You wanna know what I think? I think they were just some kids who call their babysitter-" he paused, swallowing hard, "call him- you know- as a security measure. Yeah, that's it- they think, like, who'd be stupid enough to kidnap kids being watched by, uh, Kyp Sithin' Durron?" 

            "Let's turn around," the other whimpered, "I like my spirit right where it is, not locked outside my body!"

            "Lock-a-doodle-doo!" Anakin babbled from his position on the floor, "Me, me, me, me. . . Do, do, do, do. . . FEEE-GARR-OHHH!!" They both stared at him. 

            "Shut him up, or shut him in the brig!" The thinner man complained over the racket Anakin's concert was making. 

            "Figaro," the kid explained, grinning up at the two men, "in D flat."   

/////

            "Yeah, Scumball, you heard correctly," Han Solo said, shoving the owner of the casino against the gritty wall, "and don't play coy with me. I know you know everything that goes on around here, Innilis Kyt, you always do."

            Kyt shuddered, mostly from the fact that his old 'friend', Han Solo, had shoved him up against the kitchen's walk in freezer. "Look," the alien said, "I am knowing nothing about ship called 'Velascor's Razor'. I am knowing nothing about three kids have been kidnapped!"

            "In the movies scum like you always know," Han said, then looked over at a dark haired young man with a haunted look, dressed in black robes. Kyt did not know him, but he had the odd impression that he'd seen that particular young human somewhere before. 

            "He's lying," the kid said. Han turned back to the casino's owner, shoving him harder into the wood. "You can't fool a Jedi Knight," he said, and Kyt took another look at the youth. So familiar. . . 

            Solo continued, "Tell me the truth. Now, and maybe you'll walk outta this without looking like what happened to Carida- if you take my meaning." Innilis Kyt suddenly remembered where he'd seen that kid- and wished he hadn't. It was all over the holovision, last year. . .

            "I tell!" He squawked, "Velascor's Razor is ship- used by men work for 'Stinger'!"

            "Stinger'? The assassin?" Lando Calrissian turned an odd shade of gray.

/////

            "I'm bored, Jaya," Jacen said. Jaina nodded unhappily. She had read lots of books about kids who got kidnapped, and how they managed, while braving countless dangers, to outwit the kidnappers. But this. . . This was BORING. There was no danger to brave, and the kidnappers could probably be outwitted by a paper bag. 

            Sitting on the cold, metallic floor for so long made Jacen's rear end hurt. Why did they have to get kidnapped? Why couldn't it have been Kyp that was kidnapped instead? He'd know what to do. He wouldn't stand for this- Jacen thought, anyway. He had a memory from a very long time ago, about Uncle Luke, and some spirit-dead-ugly-man. . . and electricity. Kyp was in it too- or someone like him. 

            Jacen unconsiencely tugged at a long, thin piece of wire sticking up from a corner of the room. That was dangerous, someone might trip over it and fall on their face. . . 

            Anakin was just as bored as the twins. Apparently the kidnappers hadn't liked his concert, because they'd locked him up in the room farthest away from the cockpit. He wished he weren't so alone. In fact, he was so bored and lonely that he even wished Kyp were there, if just so Anakin could try putting his hair up in pigtails. Kyp hated it when Anakin did that- he always said funny things like Dad did when his Falcon wasn't working the way it was supposed to.     

            The youngest Solo also wished he had a crayon so he could draw all over the walls and make them pretty. He could also draw a circle around the 'bad' part, where a fuse was getting really melty. He wondered if he could make it spark, so it would look like the Independence from the Empire Day fireworks.

            "But if he was. . ."

            "Oh, shut up about him already!" The kidnapper was tired of his partner's nonstop worrying about that stupid kid. 

            "But, listen, Durron is Solo's friend, right? Maybe Solo'd trust him to babysit-" He was cut short by the thinner man slamming his fist against the dashboard, "So what?! I-"

            "Take us back to the hotel right now," a tiny voice from the back end of the cockpit said. The two men turned to see the little girl standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips, glaring at them. 

            "Or you'll what?" The thin man said, bad mood getting the better of him. The girl raised her index finger and shook it at them, the way a mother might scold her kids, "It's not what I'll do, it's what Daddy'll do."

            "Oh yeah?" The man said, "And I suppose you're gonna tell us that your daddy's Kyp Durron too?" The girl stared at him like his hair had suddenly sprang loose and was jumping around the cockpit.

            "No, Dummy, but Daddy's got a ship. A fast ship! A ship that doesn't look like a piece of junk! And it's got lasers," she began counting off on her fingers, "and turbolasers, and ion cannons, and-"

            "If it ain't a Sun Crusher, we ain't gonna be scared of no stupid ship," the scarred man said. The little girl stuck out her lower lip, placed her thumbs in her ears, and and spit at them. The scarred man pushed up his nose and stuck his tounge out at her. His partner elbowed him in the side. "Act yer age," he growled. To the girl, he said, "Go back to yer brothers, I'm too busy to be playin' babysitter." 

            The girl turned on her heel and marched out of the room, nose stuck in the air as she did so. Then she paused, and came back.

            "What did you think?" She asked curiously. The two men looked up from their sandwiches. "What?" The thin man asked. The girl was staring at them, "You thought something just now. . ." she paused, head craned to the side as if listening to something almost inaudible. Then she burst out laughing, "Why. . . You're afraid! Ha ha! You're afraid of Kyp? That's stupid! You should be more afraid of Daddy, and Mommy, and especially Uncle. He's real powerful! Why are you afraid of Kyp?"

            "Go back to yer brothers!" The man said, starting to get angry. The little girl skipped out of the cockpit, laughing at them.

            The two men looked at each other. "'Especially Uncle'? 'He's real powerful'?" 

            "Um," the scarred man said, "how did she know what we're thinking?"  

/////

            He couldn't wait any longer. Han had already notified the Garrian authorities, and practically anybody else important, but that didn't help the fact that it was all his fault. 

            Running through the night, ignoring the pelting rain that fell in a constant downpour from the heavens, Kyp Durron made his way towards the Garrian Capitol spaceport. Rain formed little rivulets as it streaked across the cape Han had given him just before he had departed for the Jedi Academy, before he had-

            'Stop it,' he interrupted his thoughts. The kids were probably scared out of their minds, and here he was, dwelling on past issues. 

            Through the downpour, Kyp finally saw the red beacons that signaled the entrance to the port, and then the tall fence. He skidded to a halt on the sidewalk, just before crashing into it. 'Now what?' Without a ticket, he couldn't gain access to get inside. He stepped back, studying the meshwire. He could probably climb that. . .

            Seconds later, Kyp managed to hurl himself over the top of the barbed wire, and landed in a heap on the other side. That hurt, he thought, touching scratches where the wire had torn through the leg of his pants. 

            Now all he needed was a ship. . . that one. It was a sleek vessel of a design he had never seen before, but it looked as though it could be flown by only one person, which was good. Even better, the hatch was unlocked. After he rescued the kids, Kyp swore to himself that he'd find the ships owner, and apologize. But right now, as he stepped through the portal into the ship, only one thing mattered.

/////

            If the three kids had any idea of the lengths their Jedi babysitter was going through, they might have felt guilty. However, they did not know, and didn't really care to at the moment. 

            The kidnappers had discovered Anakin making the wires blow three-foot-high sparks, and had been chasing him around the ship. Until recently, that is, when Jacen had pulled the wire he had been playing with across a doorway, on the ground, and pulled it at just the right moment to make the 'nappers trip over it and fall on their faces. Anakin had escaped. Then Anakin had come back to see if his new friends were okay, and they had locked him back into the bird cage.

            Then he started reciting the Pizza Guy commercial over and over again, until the kidnappers had put the bird cage in the back room. A room that happened to have a comm link.      

             "Hello?" Anakin asked the link. He was tired of the 'kidnapping game', and wanted to go home. He did not know his home number, but he did know a different     one. . .

            "Hello?" The screen cleared and a sandy haired man with clear blue eyes was looking back at him. The man brightened. "Hey, Anni, what's going on?"

            "Hi, Uncle Luke," Anakin said.

"Anakin?"

"Yes, Uncle Luke?"

"Why are you in a bird cage? Did your brother and sister put you in there?"

"No."

"Oh. Who did?"

"The kidnappers, 'cause they don't like me singing FEEE-GARR-OHH!!! Do, do, do, do, me, me, me, me, . . .FEEE-GARRR-OHHH!!!!! I'M THE BAR-BEER OF-!!!"

            Luke Skywalker was wincing from the horrible noise. "Ah, Anakin, I get the point, um, that's enough. . .please. . ."

            The kidnappers had just sat down for tea when the little creep started howling Figaro in D flat again. "Oh, Sith, I'm gonna stuff him in an escape pod!" The thin man said, throwing down his cup. The two of them headed towards the back room, hands clamped firmly over their ears.

            When they got there, it seemed that the kid had somehow manage to turn on the holophone and had called some guy in brown robes who's face was knotted into an expression of sheer agony. He, too, had his hands clamped over his ears, and the thin man noticed that he had on a black glove over his right hand. . .

            "Shuddup!" The scarred man hollered over the noise. The little brat stopped 'singing' and looked at him. Then he started to cry.

            "Oh, no. . ." The man on the holoscreen said, "Hey, Anni, it's okay. . . just need to be a little bit quieter. . . Wait a minute. Who are YOU?" This last was directed to the two kidnappers. They looked at each other and then back at the guy. Whoever he was, he seemed to know the little kid, which could be bad. Or good- if he could get the little brat to stop singing.

            For a moment, the three men just stared at each other. The blond man was the first to break the silence, "Anakin," he asked quietly, still looking at the other two, "what were you saying about kidnappers?" 

            "Oh," the kid named Anakin said, "well, Kyp was watching us, Uncle Luke, and-"

"'Uncle Luke?!?" The two men finally put it all together: man named Luke. Blond. Black glove. An uncle. Kid named Anakin. Kid knows Jedi Kyp Durron. Kid's sister can read minds.

            The conclusion: they'd be VERY lucky if the worst that happened was that the Chief of State sent them to the spice mines of Kessel for the rest of their lives. 

            The two kidnappers reacted well, given the situation. They did three things: First, they screamed utter terror. Second, they shut off the holophone. Third, they screamed in utter terror again. 

/////

            "But, Master-!" Luke Skywalker paused for a moment in his fast-paced walk to the Acadamy's hanger. Tionne hurried to catch up to him, eyes wide and face even paler than usual. Fear was evident in her every movement; fear for his life.

            "You don't know what you're facing!" She protested, "The people who took the children could be dark Jedi!"

            Skywalker shook his head, forcing himself to stay calm despite his growing anxiety, "I don't think so. The two that had Anakin didn't look intelligent enough to be anything other than hired henchmen. My nephew didn't look scared- he probably would have if Sith were involved."

            Tionne didn't look relived. The Jedi Master turned to leave, and she was again forced to run to keep up with him. "Well, maybe not, but. . .Master Skywalker," the Jedi grabbed his arm and spun him around to face her, "there are OTHER dangers to young children besides the Sith."

            He nodded, then descended the stone staircase that led to the hanger, leaving Tionne standing at the top, staring after him with a worried frown. "May the Force be with you," she said.

            "Ready, Artoo?" Luke asked as he swung himself into his X-Wing. The astromech droid warbled a response, to which his master replied, "Yes, Artoo. I know where we're going." More beeps. "Because in that breif holo transmission," Skywalker powered up the snub-fighter, heading for open space, "when those two men opened the door, for a second or two I could see their nav-consol. Not too smart, forgetting to turn it off."

            With his mechanical hand, Luke tapped out the coordinants he had glimpsed. "I wonder, though, what they're going to do with the kids."

/////

            "Oh my God!" The kidnappers were running around the cockpit like headless chickens, much to the amusement of the twins, especially because Anakin had joined them, thinking it was a new game.

            "That was Luke Skywalker!!" The thin man yelled. 

            "And that must have been Kyp Durron!!" The scarred, and scared, man cried, and after sidestepping Anakin, continued, "Take us back right now! Tell them it was all a mistake. . !"

            The two of them made frequent stops at the radar screen to make sure that they were alone in space, as if the great Jedi Master and the infamous Kyp Durron were right behind them in a Sun Crusher. Their boss wasn't thrilled about it, either.

            "Of all the kids in the resort," he said from the holoscreen, "you two IDIOTS had to kidnap Luke Skywalker's niece and nephews? And when you saw that kid- that kid standing on the roof holding the ship in place by some invisible 'force', it didn't occur to you that he might very well be Kyp Durron? And you SHOT at him?!"

            The scarred man paled. "Ah. . ." The thin man was searching for something to say, some way to salvage the situation. His partner needed no prompting.

            "Take 'em back!" He wailed, "Send them our apology note! I'll settle for jail, the mines of Kessel, just DON'T LET HIM TAKE OUR SPIRITS AWAY!!!" 

            Over the holophone, the Stinger heard an audible *whap*, and the scarred man seemed to settle down a bit.

            "What if we ransom them back?" The thin man asked.

            "ARE YOU NUTS?" His partner cried, shaking him, "They'll just come after the kids, and us!! Even if the ransom is two credits!"

            The Stinger shook his head, then said scornfully,  "Listen to you two amateurs. 'They'll come after us' indeed. By the Force, they won't try anything, not after the two of you spread rumors that I intend to kill them if anyone tries anything. As well as whomever tries it. They wouldn't dare come close to us, let alone rescue the kids."

            "Oh. . ." The two thugs seemed to relax a bit. Since neither Skywalker or Durron would risk getting close, things were looking a lot brighter.

/////

            "He WHAT?!" Han Solo stopped pacing the floor of their hotel room and stared at Lando Calrissian, who stood in the doorway, a tiny slip of paper pressed between his thumb and forefinger. He held this out to Han, who snatched it from him and read the following:

                        Dear Han,

                                    I'm so sorry, this was all my fault. 

                        I doubt I can make it up to you for being so 

                        irresponsible that the kids got kidnapped, but

                        I'll try. I've gone out to look for them, and 

                        I'm not coming back until they're either

                        safe with me or with summmeone else.

                                                            -Kyp 

            "He spelled 'someone' wrong." Lando remarked, reading over Han's shoulder. 

            "When I get my hands on him-!" 

"Han, old buddy, calm down, you're overreacting, it's just one word-"

            "Calm down?" The Corrilian ranted, "I told that nerf-brained kid to stay HERE! I didn't mean just until I got back, I meant-"

            Just then the holophone started buzzing. "What!?!" Solo shouted with much more force than necessary. Then, "Oh, sorry, Sweetheart, uh, I. . . No, nothing's wrong. . ." Lando moved in closer so he could hear better.

            "Oh, no, um. . . The kids? . . Um, they're, uh, just fine, now, they're all fine and here, uh. . . Just a second. . . No, uh, they're in, uh. . . They're going to the bathroom, now, uh. . . Yes, ALL of them. . . Oh, Kyp?. . . Uh, he's. . .taking a shower. . . No, not in the same bathroom as the kids, there's TWO bathrooms. . . Then how are the kids all going at the same time?. . . Uh, well. . . I. . . don't really know. . . D'you want me to check?. . . Okay, love you too, Leia. . . bye."

            "Whew!" Han said, switching off the 'phone and collapsing into a chair. "Lando, we've got to think up a better cover story," he said, "and most importantly, we've got to get the kids back. Without my wife finding out about it."

            "How?" Lando asked. Han rubbed his chin for a moment, thinking. Then, his eyes brightened. "Hmm. . ." he said, a slow smile crossing his lips.

Chapter Four:

            " 'Welcome to the latest on STWRS-91.5, the station with all the latest updates on music, movies, and capitol events!' "

            Ghent was resting against the side of his small prison, sitting cross-legged on the cold durresteel floor with the small radio in front of him. He had been sitting that way for hours, and it was beginning to become very uncomfortable. However, the 'radio' was really a comm link with several attachments Ghent had stuck together, so if he shifted his weight even slightly, there was a pretty good chance that the thing would fall apart. Or change the station, which would also be bad, because it had taken him a very long time to find it. The station was important, because he wanted to see if anyone had noticed he was missing yet. He hoped so.

            " 'Now, it's time for the 4:15 news update, and here's your host, Aeio Kelbeck!' "

" 'Thank you. We have a very important announcement tonight,' " Ghent leaned forward slightly, careful not to nudge the 'radio'. 

            " 'Due to very large traffic jams going to Hologram Funworld, the theme park will be closed until further notice.' " Shoot, Ghent thought. " 'Also, we have a problem of Galactic emergency, a problem that that involves the disapperence of the NR official, Gh-' "

            Ghent had accidentally leaned much to far forward, and the improvised radio had toppled out of his hands and onto the floor. "No!!" He shouted, and hastilly tried to shove the thing back together. Finally, the station returned, " 'If anyone has any news on the whereabouts of this individual, we ask that you contact the NR secritary of defence immidiatly.' "

            "Yes!" Ghent said, and the raidio crashed to the floor again. This time, however, he didn't bother picking it up; the Republic knew he was missing and they were going to find him. Hopefully soon, because the food he had been getting was comeparable to purple slime. Probably because it was purple slime.

/////

            Cheif of State Leia Organa Solo was pacing the length of her office. Chewie had just informed her over the holophone of what happened to the kids. Apperently, he didn't think Han and Lando capable of handling it. He was probably right. 

            She felt so sorry for her children; they were probably scared out of their little minds. At least Kyp was there- he'd go out and look for them. A Jedi Knight was a good thing to have around.

/////

            "Welcome to North Garrian Spaceport," a woman stewardess in a blue flight uniform said, handing the scarred man a map showing the various food courts, restrooms, and other shops normally found at a spaceport meant to get you to buy things you didn't need.

            The kidnappers had accomplished their detour; that is, they had flown off to the far reaches of the galaxy to through any possible pursuers off their trail, then doubled back, heading to Garrian's North Pole where the Stinger's base was located. And none too soon, they thought, wearily eying the three kids. They were trailing somewhat behind the two men, gaping in wonder at the 'port, and thankfully Anakin wasn't singing.

            They had gone perhaps a hundred feet when the older boy notified them, with great etiquette, that he had to 'make'. The men sighed, then pointed him in the direction of the men's room. 

            "Can't go by myself," he said, "bad guys might get me." The thin man stared at him. The kid was already being kidnapped; what OTHER bad guys was he afraid of?

            Jaina, sensing their thoughts, was about to inform them that her brother meant other kidnappers, ones with an IQ higher than the average turnip, then thought better of it. Instead she waited patiently while the scarred man lead him off towards the bathroom, content to think up new ways to scare the other guy.

            "One time," she said, "Daddy took me in his REALLY POWERFUL starship to the Acad'my." The man just stared at her. Jaina continued, knowing exactly what she needed to say, "And I got to watch a lightsaber battle. . . have YOU ever seen a lightsaber battle?" He hadn't.

            "Well, you should. Jedi Knights are really good fighters. And they can find things real good. Take us for instance: in about, oh, three days, Uncle Luke will find us, 'cause he's a Jedi. And you know who else will find us?"

            "If you say," here the man swallowed, hard, "K-Kyp Durron, I won't buy you any ice cream. Ever."

            Jaina shut up. "Can I have some ice cream, too?" The scarred man had returned. His partner glared at him. Then Anakin started up.

            "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM!!! Yay!" Everyone within the hundred-foot radius around them turned and glared. But the little kid wasn't finished yet.

            He had apparently decided that it was time for another concert, starting with his all-time favorite, the 'Pizza Guy' song, complete with all the clapping:  "I (clap, clap, clap) Eat (clap, clap, clap) PIZZA!! (Bomp-bomp, ba BOMP) I (clap, clap, clap) Love  (clap, clap, clap)  PIZZA!! (Bomp ba bomp-bomp  WHOOO!!!)

            Quickly, the two men grabbed him and clamped their hands over his mouth, appologizing to everyone in sight, who didn't hear the kidnappers anyway, because they had their hands pressed firmly over their ears.

            "Want icy-cream," the girl told them a short while later. The men ignored her, intent on geting out of the airport before Anakin felt the urge to sing again. "Hey," the girl grabbed the thin man's pant leg, "You promised me icy-cream if I didn't say 'Kyp Durron'." 

            Both men winced. "Well," the man said, "you just said- you know- right now. So you don't get any." The girl looked hurt, then ferocious. She took a deep breath and screamed at the top of her tiny lungs, "You aren't my mom, you aren't my dad; help, I'm being kidnapped!!! Help, oh, help!!!!"

            Heads turned. The two men grabbed her and said, "Okay, stop, we'll get you icecream!" She shut up, and smiled like she was an angel all along.

            A security man came over. "Is there a problem?" He asked. The kidnappers paled. "No," the girl said, "I was just practicing my play, like Daddy and Uncle," she indicated the two men, "told me to."

            "Oh," the man said, "well, maybe it would be a good idea if you did that at home, okay?" The girl smiled angelicly as he left, then grinned fiendishly at the kidnappers.

            "Kyp," she said, and they winced.

/////

            "But, I'm a Jedi Knight!" Kyp Durron protested. The good news: he had found the ship's owner- but the bad news was that she wasn't keen on the idea of a perfect stranger boarding her ship with her in it and insist on heading to the rim systems.

            "I don't care if yer Luke Skywalker himself, Shorty." Kyp glared. The girl continued, "But the Dallatrin isn't leavin' till I get my cargo."

            "Han Solo'd pay for your cargo, plus ten percent extra," he said, hoping that Han wouldn't kill him. The girl seemed to think about that, "If I had some proof. . ."

            "I don't really have anything valueable," Kyp said, thinking hard. Then, "Wait- I've got this." He unclipped his lightsaber from his belt and held it out to the Dallatrin's captain. She studied the cylindrical object. "Well. . ." she said, "I suppose this proves you are a Jedi, so. . . well, lemme keep this as insurence till you're finnished with my ship, an' then ya can have it back." 

            Kyp smiled, and hoped he wouldn't regret it. The redhead left the cockpit, heading to the main hanger to tell her customer about a change in scedual. Kyp waited until he heard the thump of the hatch closing, then swung into the Captain's chair and headed for space.

            He relaxed, using the Force as a guide until he found the trail the kidnappers had taken from Garrian to hyperspace. Through the Force, Kyp could follow them. Wherever they went.

/////

            "Kyp." Jaina said again. The two men winced, again.  Jaina liked making them do that, they were even funnier than when Anakin had flushed Daddy's expensive brithday chronometer down the toilet, just as Daddy came into the bathroom. 

            Suddenly, Jaina's fun was interrupted when she looked at the clock on the taxi-ship they were in. 5:00. Oh, no, she thought. It was almost 5:30. At  5:30 something really bad happened, something even worse than the time Anakin had put make-up on Kyp. And that was pretty bad.

            She looked over at her twin, seeing if he had noticed the time. He had. The two of them shared a fearful look.

            Anakin had been bored again. He wasn't anymore, because he had found a 'bad' part in the taxi, and decided that since it wasn't his, he could make it even more melty. 

            Three minutes later, the taxi-ship was pulling over to one of Garrian's cement walkways, black smoke billowing out of the 'really melty' part in the engine. Anakin was pleased with his handy work. The kidnappers were yelling at the pilot, saying things like, ". . .Want my money back!" and "You have the worst matinance team this side o' the galaxy!"

            Nobody knew it was Anakin, and that made him feel smart. 

            "We're cursed!" The scarred man wailed. His partner glared at him, "We ain't cursed. It was just a coincidance. . ."

            Just then, a bus drifted past on its repulser lifts, on the side was an advertizement for a new holovid called "Cursed by the Jedi". Jaina had seen the comercials for it- it was about the Sith Lords of the past, and when they were finally beaten by the good side. The name of the movie reffered to the fact that the Sith were killed of by the Jedi.

            Of course, the two kidnappers freaked out. "I told you!" The scarred man hollered, "Ky- uh, HE must've put a curse on whoever steals those kids! Ahhh!!!!!" His partner smacked him across the face, "Snap outta it! We ain't cursed-"

            Just then it started raining very hard. "We still ain't cursed," the thin man said. Another bus drove past, splattering mud all across him. "There are no such things as curses." He said stubbernly.

            A limosine hovered up next to them. On the side of it were markings signifying that it was one of Stinger's. "See?" The thin man said, "If we was cursed, that would be the Cheif of State's."

/////

            Ghent was very bored. He pulled the storage clip with the Pytharian Code out of his pocket and tossed it into the air, then caught it, and stared at its intracate design.                         Usually, clips were used to store conversations that might prove useful to the Republic, such as a one between two Imperials about their plan to assassinate someone on the Republic's side. What that weird guy with the yellow eyes had said about the Code being too big to fit in a pocket was true; unless you recorded yourself  reading off the variables in the Code, and put that recording onto a data clip, like a conversation. 

            Granted, it took all night, but ninety percent of Ghent's hours were devoted to computers anyway. 

            At the opposite end of the underground base, the Stinger looked up to see the two thugs return, and behind them trailed the Solo kids. The little brats looked sleepy, until Stinger said, "Why don't you two find someplace where they can take a nap?" Then, the three kids looked very much awake, and very angry. They also started up a racket.

"I don't take naps, Anakin does!"

"Do NOT!"

"Yes he does, at 3:00."

"No!!!"

"I saw you."

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!" 

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!"

"NO!!!"

"YES!!!"

            "SHUT UP!!!" The three adults shouted simultaneously. "You should hear the little one sing," the scarred man said, wincing. 

            "Kyp," the girl said. Both men winced. "What?" The Stinger asked, "Who or what's a 'kip'?" 

            "Don't ask," the thin man said. 

            The littlest brat suddenly realized that he had another person to intertain. He grinned, and the two kidnappers shuddered.

            "Artichoke!" Anakin howled, then started singing the word 'artichoke' to the tune of the 'Lolly Pop' song.

            "Artichoke, artichoke, ooh la la artichoke, WHOOO!!"

            Five minutes later, the door to Ghent's prison opened, and one of the thugs hearded three kids into his room. "Wha. . ?" The slicer asked, but the man just left. 

            Ghent looked at the kids, and they looked back at him. "Who are you?" The little girl asked. "Ghent," he introduced himself.

            "I'm Jaina, this is Jacen, and this is a mutant from space," she said. "Hello," Ghent smiled, "What, are you slicers too? Why are you guys here?"

            "'Cause Stinky Bubble Head," she pointed to the littlest kid, "wouldn't stop singing, so some weird guy who looked a little, itsy-bitsy, tiny, small bit like Kyp put us in here."

            "Huh? Looked like who?" The man named Get said. 

            Jaina shrugged, she didn't understand why this guy didn't know who Kyp was; she thought everybody knew him. "Like Kyp." She repeated, "Jedi Kyp Durron? He looks like Kyp because they both got dark hair, and are sort-of-grown-ups, and same amount of tallness."

            Get looked thoughtful. "What is it, Get?" Jaina asked, "You got a plan?"

            "Thinking about it. . ." he said, "and my name's Ghent, not Get." He went over to the other side of the tiny room, and picked up some metal things. 

            "What's that?" Jacen asked. Ghent came back, and sat down in front of them, laying the peices of metal on the floor between them. Jaina recognised from the asortment of things a comlink, as well as a paper clip, a staple, a tiny holovision, and some peices of wire. She didn't know what the other stuff was.

            "With this," he indicated the metal, "I think I can call your friend." His eyes focused on Jaina, "Are you sure he looks like the yellow-eyed weirdo? Good enough that someone might mix them up?" 

            "Sort of," Jaina answered. Ghent smiled. Whoever this 'Jedi Kyp' was, he could be their tickit out of here. 

            Unfortunatly, Anakin seemed to realize that it was 5:30, and that meant it was time for his favorite holo-show. "Gimme!" He yelled, and grabbed Ghent's tiny holovision. He turned the HV to channel nine, just intime to hear the show's theamsong, to which Anakin started singing along:

            "Oh, when somethin' real bad happens/ Oh, don't you know/ It's time for the good little boys and girls to watch. . . Gordan Kaine!!"

"Yay!" Anakin screamed.

"Oh, no," the twins groned. 

"What's 'Gordan Kaine'?" Ghent asked, staring at the HV as a bunch of flowers began creeping out of the side of the screen and into veiw. The flowers sprouted arms and legs and started dancing to really corny music.

            "It's this show my dumpy brother likes," Jaina said, "but it's really stupid. It's about this 'Sammy Sunshine', who's-"

            Ghent's mind wasn't listening any more, and he found himself caught up in the inane world of dancing pansies. "Poor Get," Jacen said, "he's lost." The boy shook his head, as if morning the loss of a friend, "C'mon, Jaya, don't look- it'll suck out your brain."

            When the HV studios had originally designed the show, they had named it 'Sammy Sunshine'. The ratings were so low, however, that they were second only to PlayHutt, and the short lived Jabba the Hutt swimsuit magazine.

            The producers of the show had thought of an ingenious method to get people to watch the show, however, and that was to send sub-partical waves from the HV into the veiwer's brain. This would trigger an unconsience urge to keep watching 'Sammy Sunshine', even if you hated it. However, the networks refused to accept another season of 'Sammy', so the producers renamed it 'Gordan Kaine', after the show's villan.

Exterior.- Grassy Medow -Day

Pansys dance to anoying, corny music. Suddenly, GORDAN KAINE, the villan, sees them.

GORDAN: I hate flowers.

He goes over and starts stomping on the flowers. Meanwhile, SAMMY SUNSHINE, our hero, a good little boy about six years old in rainbow colored tights and a pink shirt, is skipping through the forest.  

SAMMY: Oh, happy, happy day! I'm so happy! Are you happy? Good, everybody's                              happy! Yay!

Suddenly, Sammy sees Gordan Kaine jumping up and down on the flowers.

GORDAN: I hate flowers.

SAMMY: Oh, no! Gordan Kaine, the show's villan, is jumping up and down on the                             flowers! He said he hates flowers. I wonder why he hates flowers? Do you                         know why he hates flowers? Let's go see! C'mon, let's go see! Whee!

Sammy skips over in his annoying rainbow tights and frilly white shoes. 

SAMMY: Hi there, Gordan Kaine -the show's villan, who is jumping up and down on the               flowers- why are you jumping up and down on the flowers?

GORDAN: I hate flowers.

SAMMY: Why do you hate flowers, Gordan Kaine -the show's villan, who has now                              stopped jumping up and down on the flowers so he could talk to Sammy? Do                 you know why Gordan Kaine hates flowers? Neither do I. I'm so sad becuase                        he hates flowers. Are you sad because he hates flowers? Gordan Kaine, we're                sad because you hate flowers. 

GORDAN: I hate flowers.

He resumes jumping up and down on the flowers.

(You get the picture. Anyway, I'll have to stop here, because my computer's telling me that if I contiue to wirte the script for 'Gordan Kaine', it'll refuse to work and will file a lawsuit. I promise in part 2 of this story, I won't put any 'Gordan Kaine' scrips. If you would like a compleated copy of 'Gordan Kaine', you're braver than I thought, and really weird. Unless you're the guys who made Mystery Science Theater 3000, then you'd probably want it to make another MST3K so Mike and Tom and Crow could have another cheesy movie to watch.) 


End file.
